How to Support Families with SEN Children This Christmas: A Guide for Friends and Family

You may have noticed that your friend, sibling, cousin, or neighbour seems less than enthusiastic about the approaching school holidays. Perhaps they've declined your Christmas gathering. Maybe they've gone quiet in the family WhatsApp group. Or perhaps they've mentioned, almost apologetically, that the festive season is "tricky" for them.

If they're parenting a child with special educational needs, the Christmas holidays may represent something very different from what you're experiencing—and understanding why can help you become the support they desperately need.

What You Might Not Realise

For many children with SEN, school provides far more than education. It's essential scaffolding that holds their world together:

• Predictable routines that help regulate their nervous system

• Structured activities and professional support throughout the day

• Therapeutic interventions that often pause completely during holidays

• Hours when their parents aren't the only ones meeting complex, intensive needs

When school closes for two weeks, that entire support structure vanishes. The parents you know are suddenly providing 24/7 care, regulation support, and management of challenging behaviours—alone—while also trying to navigate all the additional demands and disruptions of Christmas.

For children who struggle with change, sensory processing, anxiety, or regulation, Christmas itself can be overwhelming: the lights, the noise, the crowds, the changes to routine, the unexpected visitors, the different foods, the pressure to behave in certain ways at gatherings.

What looks like a festive break to you might feel like an endurance test to them.

Why They're Declining Your Invitations

If the family you care about isn't coming to your Christmas gathering, it's probably not personal. It might be because:

• Their child cannot cope with the sensory overload of a busy, noisy event

• The disruption to routine will trigger days of difficult behaviour afterward

• They're already utterly exhausted and cannot face managing their child's needs in a social setting while also managing others' reactions or judgments

• Previous gatherings have been traumatic experiences they're protecting themselves and their child from repeating

• They know their child will struggle, and they're trying to prevent a public meltdown that will be distressing for everyone

The reality is that many families with SEN children spend holidays largely isolated, not by choice but by necessity. They're not being antisocial—they're being realistic about what their child and they can manage.

What Doesn't Help (Even Though You Mean Well)

"Just bring them anyway! It'll be fine!" It likely won't be fine, and they'll end up spending the entire time managing their child's distress while watching you enjoy yourself.

"Can't they just behave for a few hours?" No. This isn't about discipline or trying harder. Their child's nervous system may literally be unable to cope with the demands of the situation.

"Have you tried...?" Yes. They've tried everything. They're living this 24/7 and have likely explored every strategy, therapy, and intervention available. Unsolicited advice usually just adds to their burden.

"You're being overprotective / making excuses for them" Comments like this reveal a fundamental misunderstanding of what the parents are dealing with and can be deeply hurtful.

"Well, ALL children are difficult sometimes" While all children have challenging moments, parenting a child with SEN involves a level of constant demand and exhaustion that's qualitatively different. This comparison minimizes their experience.

Silence and distance When families repeatedly decline invitations, they often stop being asked at all. This isolation can be one of the most painful aspects of their experience.

What Actually Helps

Believe them when they tell you what they need. If they say they can't come, accept it without pressure or guilt-tripping. If they say their child needs something specific, trust that they know their child better than you do.

Offer specific, practical help. "Let me know if you need anything" rarely results in actual support. Instead try:

• "Can I do your grocery shopping on Tuesday?"

• "Could I take your other children for a few hours this week?"

• "I'm making extra dinner tomorrow—can I drop some round?"

• "Would an hour of company help, or would you prefer to be left alone?"

Create inclusive alternatives. If you're hosting a gathering they can't attend, consider:

• A quieter, shorter visit at a different time just with them

• Meeting somewhere sensory-friendly like a park rather than a crowded house

• Bringing the celebration to them in a low-key way

• Being genuinely flexible about timing, duration, and format

Don't take it personally. Their child's needs, and their capacity to meet those needs, change daily. Plans may need to be cancelled last minute. Understand that this isn't about you.

Ask what would actually be helpful. "I want to support you, but I'm not sure what would help most. What would make your week easier?" Then listen and follow through.

Acknowledge how hard this is. Sometimes people just need someone to witness their reality without trying to fix it or minimize it. "This sounds incredibly difficult" can mean more than a dozen suggestions.

Stay in touch. Keep inviting them, even if they keep declining. Let them know they're still thought of and included. Send the occasional message checking in without expecting a response. Don't disappear just because they can't participate the way you'd like.

Educate yourself. If their child has been diagnosed with autism, ADHD, sensory processing disorder, or other conditions, take some time to learn about what that actually means. Understanding helps enormously.

What Support Might Look Like

The most helpful support is often practical and concrete:

• Occupying their other children so they can focus on their SEN child

• Running errands that are difficult with their child in tow

• Providing food so they have one less thing to manage

• Offering to be with their child so they can rest, even for an hour

• Being someone they can be honest with about how hard things are

• Including them in ways that work for their family, not yours

• Respecting their boundaries without making them feel guilty

The Bigger Picture

Many families with SEN children exist in a state of chronic exhaustion and isolation. The school holidays amplify both. They're often doing incredibly demanding work with minimal support, while navigating a world that doesn't always understand or accommodate their child's needs.

Your friend, family member, or neighbour may be struggling more than they're letting on. They may feel guilty that they're not looking forward to extended time with their child. They may be grieving that their family's Christmas looks nothing like what they imagined. They may be running on absolute empty.

What they need most is compassion, practical support, and the knowledge that they're not alone—that someone sees how hard they're working and values them even when they can't show up the way others might expect.

This Christmas

If you know a family with a SEN child, consider what you could do to lighten their load rather than add to it. Your understanding, your flexibility, your willingness to meet them where they are rather than where you'd like them to be—these are gifts that matter far more than anything you could wrap.

They're not trying to be difficult. They're not rejecting you. They're doing their absolute best to meet their child's needs and survive the holidays intact.

And your support—offered without judgment, expectations, or conditions—could make all the difference.

If you'd like to better understand how to support someone you care about who's struggling, therapy can help explore these dynamics with compassion. Sea Change Therapies can provide counselling for anyone navigating challenging relationships or circumstances.